The Art of Making Requests

There are several components to making great requests.

1. Understand the distinction between a request, a demand and a wish.

A wish is when we hope someone might take note of what we ask for. The language used is likely to be non-specific, the tone of voice is hopeful, or hopeless, and there is very little commitment to the asking. Often the outcome is not forthcoming.

A demand has limited choice. You either do what is demanded, or you don't. There is little availability for negotiation. People build resentment when they believe there is a demand on them.

When we make a request, we are creating choice. For example, if I throw you a tennis ball and I request that you throw it back to me, what are your options?

*Throw it back. Saying yes to the request.


*Throw it somewhere else, or put it down. Saying no to the request.


*Ask if it is OK if you throw it back when you have finished making a phone call. Renegotiate.

The request empowers the person that you are making the request to. They have choices. 
(Don't make a request unless you want the person to have choices, and you would be completely satisfied if their response was no.)

2. Requesting takes a good measure of self-esteem.

Wishes occur when someone thinks they are not worthy of making a specific request. They are afraid of having their request rejected, and so enter the conversation expecting the outcome to be unfulfilled.

To make a clear specific request requires a high degree of self-esteem and worth. The requester needs to know that saying NO to a request does not have to be saying NO to them, the person. They are not the request. (Although at times, the two can be interlinked. For example, if I request to Paul that he come to my party, it may be linked to whether Paul would like to spend time with me. Or it may be that Paul has other things he has committed to do, or, he may like me and not my friends.)

The biggest risk in making requests is that people will say no. Rejection is one of the great fears that humans hold. However, people could say YES!

I was working with a 12 year old girl on self-esteem and requests. She came to me to ask for something. She didn't make eye contact, her voice was filled with wistfulness and hopelessness, her head was down, and her shoulders slumped. In coaching her around this, I was aware that she did not know the manner in which she was delivering her request. The first thing I did was model to her how she was acting physically as she made her request. She needed to see how she was presenting herself. Then I had her stand straight, look me in the eye, speak clearly and using an upbeat tone, make the same request again. When we debriefed how she felt making the request this time, she said she felt more confident, and had a greater belief that her request would be granted.

A great training exercise for intention is to work with a group of people, preferably large in number, 50 to 100, who are seated. Standing in front of them, ask them to stand up. (In setting up this exercise, people will be instructed to stand up when they feel the urge because of the power of the request, and not at any time before that.)

I have seen a room of people rise to their feet on mass, to the sound of a whispered request because of the intention of the requestor.

Intention lives in the future. You have to see/feel/believe/know what the outcome will be.

Parents work with this all the time. A child will make a request for something in the supermarket. The parent will say no. The child will ask and ask again. At some point, the parent may say yes. However, when a parent says NO, and there is no possibility in the mind of the parent that the child will get the outcome, the child is not likely to continue making requests for the same thing, and if they do, it will be simply to check that they really did hear that NO meant NO. The parents intention was clearly that the request would not be granted, now, or in the future.

4. When making requests state your request clearly, concisely and in a way that people will be able to hear it.

The first part of this is clarity. Be clear and specific about what you ask for. Give details, timing, colour, your expectations, desired outcomes, how you want it to look and feel, be packaged, cost, its age, texture, model, make.....Trim any unnecessary words from your request. Keep it simple, to the point. Unnecessary words create confusion. Finally, you need to be able to phrase your request in a way that people will hear it.

Who is your audience?

Why would they say yes to your request?

Why would they say no?

What motivates them?

What de-motivates them?

Are they likely to say yes as a knee jerk reaction, and not really want to say yes? (Staff and friends often feel obliged to say yes.)

If you are making requests is to a group of people, who are the influencers in the group?

If they say no to the request, why would they do that? What would be their reasons?

5.When making requests ask someone who can say yes?

It is important that you ask the right person to say yes to your request. Always check first that they are able to say yes.

A great book on the power of making requests is "The Aladdin Factor" by Mark Victor Hanson and Jack Canfield.

Positive Deviants know that if they don't ask they don't get. They operate from the place of "There is no harm in asking?' People often think that a Positive Deviants is too busy or too unapproachable to ask for help. Most PD's are very generous with their time when a sincere request is made of them. Giving back is what they do really well, so ask away. Make requesting a part of your leadership development plan.

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